A throwback to a time ago

I recently started in a new department working in Wal-Mart. I wanted a challenge, more responsibility and (I'm not kidding anyone) more money.

So about two weeks ago from now, I started in the pharmacy.

The newness of everything had me enraptured. It was exciting to be learning something new and feeling like I was getting a grip on it. I also felt like I was liked by my co-workers. Being liked isn't everything, but it makes the day go smoother.

Recently, this week I had a bad day at work. Who doesn't, right?

What struck me about this day was how hard it hit me. I had been truly upset by it; it got at my core.

I had a number of run-ins with the department know-it-all. She's very smart, but not known as the kindest person in the store by any means.

Suddenly I was brought back to my high school mindset, and thats what shook me so much. I was worried I wasn't good enough for the area. I had made minor mistakes in the area that didn't harm anyone or put anyone in danger.

It was just a moment where I started to severely doubt myself. I thought that maybe I wasn't up to par with the rest of the pharmacy....even though I was still learning and had done nothing wrong.

That's how I felt while in high school. Because I didn't belong in the 'correct' crew, something was wrong with me. I wasn't quite good enough.

After some tears were shed (I'm kind of emotional person) and some comfort and kind words from a special someone, I felt much better. I realized something that I thought I had realized long ago. That I can't let others get to me and tear me down. I had grown very good at not worrying about others thoughts and marching to the beat of my own drum.

I think thats why I got so upset at the events that day. I was shocked that someone could still have that power over me. Especially someone that I don't consider a friend.

Confidence is an amazing thing! Don't let anyone tear you down! I'll remember this in the coming days!

Clique-ness

As I was stumbling through the pages of facebook, I realized something.

I'm not as close to some of the people as I used to be. I doubt I'm alone in this realization. Not all of us are extremely close to all of our 'friends.'

However, the closeness struck me for a different reason. I realized that some of the people that I used to be close to were/are apart of a couple different cliques.

I don't really consider myself a clique person. I like to be everyone's friend (so to speak) and I also don't enjoy being mean to others. It seems a few of the cliques were/are about being mean or hating someone or a group of people. That's not really me at all!

Its funny to think that some of those people I used to consider myself at least a little close too. I was always around them when I had free time. Of course, that included nights drinking together. I suppose I wasn't as close as I thought.

In a way I miss the people I used to consider so near and so dear. I have fond memories of friendships beginning. I also wonder if my shyness pushed people away. But...I also think of something I've been told. "Not everyone in your life is meant to be around for the long haul." I sometimes wonder how things went wrong.

I probably sound like the chick in a romantic comedy right now,wondering why the guy hasn't called her yet.

I suppose I shouldn't worry about some of the people I've lost touch with. If they mattered that much they would've lasted. Obviously, I will survive with or without them. No ill will or bad feelings exist.


I stopped trying to fit in a long time ago. I decided I was going to just be me. I listen to whatever music I want. I wear what I want to wear. I don't know if this was a part of my 'not fitting in.'

Also, at the time-frame being spoken of, I was still a little shy. I would say over the past year or so I've really come into my own. I feel as though I am getting closer and closer to who I am and making that person happy. Of course, along the way I've learned some tough life lessons.

But....back to the cliques.

I presumed they were a high school phenomenon. I'm not too sure of that assertion at the moment.

I am sure of two things. First, I marvel at how they stay alive. Second, I don't foresee myself 'joining' one. I suppose if I am to be considered a part of a clique it could be out of happenstance.

Do you have any clique stories?

Mystery of Make-up

When I was getting ready this morning, I began to ponder something about the process.

When I began to apply the make-up I wear on a daily basis, I wondered why and how.

I began wearing make-up in late junior high and have worn it since. I don't tend to go many places without it. I felt I needed to wear it due to peer pressure. Also, I felt that I didn't look attractive without it.

To a degree, I still worry about my appearance without make-up. I worry that my skin isn't good enough without it. But, at the same time, I don't know a certified way to increase the quality and clarity of my skin that I haven't tried.

I know several people that pointedly don't wear make-up. Their skin looks perfectly amazing without it. It does not have any clarity issues, nor are there issues such as dark circles.

I remember a similar conversation about make-up with a former friend of mine. We were sitting in her basement in Sullivan hanging out and getting ready. When posed the question, "why do we wear make-up?", she replied that she did it out of boredom. She liked to try different things on her face and it gave her something to do.

I suppose it goes in combination with celebrity news. Magazines are limitless in trying to showcase what they look like without make up. Perhaps the issue of needing make up is part peer pressure and part media related.

Or, to be entirely cynical, it is just a way for a variety of companies to make an easy buck. Its simple: tell women that they are not beautiful unless they use this product that actually, to a degree, covers things up. Creates a mask, if you will.

I suppose the idea goes way back in time...further back in history than I'm aware. Reportedly, it goes back as far as the Egyptians using lead and coal to alter their appearance.

I wonder what is at the main cause for why many women wear it. It can't be all media related...if it goes back as far as the Egyptians.

I shall continue my search for the reason, I suppose. Do you have any thoughts?

The times, they are a changin'

With a fews things going on in my life, I could be in the position to go through a lot of change in the next few months.

Admittedly, its both exciting and scary.

In 52 days, I will get my driver's license and car back. This is VERY exciting to me. It has been over two years since I've driven. I know, crazy, right? Why is that, you ask? I made some very stupid mistakes and decisions that I've now grown past. Nonetheless, it has made me that much stronger.

But, back to the notion of change.

As excited as I am for the change, I am a tiny bit scared for the other aspects that come along with it. For one, I have a test to pass to get it back. I'm a fairly decent test taker, but am sure that it covers some things that I haven't been paying too much attention to as of late. I am also nervous about the expense. I know that my driving history is going to make insurance rather expensive. It is also going to add in the expense of gas. I'm sure I'll adjust to the change of expense quickly, though.

I recently started a new job. I am now a pharmacy technician at the Urbana Walmart. I was once a photo technician. I spent a little over four years in that job. As much as I rant and raved about the position, it had become an odd sense of home to me.

I have only worked one day in the new job thus far. So far, I've got nothing to complain about. Still, this change brings about other change. I had not planned to be at Walmart much after college. I had expected to move on from the company. I took the job for a variety of reasons. I thought that management would be better and so would the wages. I also figured that I would feel more valued. Now I wonder what this could mean for the long term.

Another possibility of change looms. I could officially move in with my boyfriend in the summer. It's odd that the notion scares me a little bit, seeing as we have been practically doing just that for a little bit now. I guess just making it official is weird. If, for some unknowable reason, something went sour, I currently have a place to run to. I will lose that soon. Perhaps that's why I'm scared. I don't have any reason to think that anything will go badly. A part of me just still exists and is healing from poor past relationships. A small part of me, for some reason, wants to protect myself.

I realize that I have no need to do that right now. He has given me no reason at all. Over the past couple of months my trust in him has grown by leaps and bounds.

So, what is the point of this whole blog?

For some reason, it seems a lot of people are afraid of change. At least to some degree. I'm not sure exactly why that is. After realizing how much change I was going to encounter (all of it being positive), I was taken back by the small amount of fear that entered me.

Is there something about change that drives such a reaction? Are some people better at reacting to it than others?

If I were to take Darwinism into account, change should be of little issue. Humans, as some of the fittest to survive, should be very adaptable to change. Perhaps we are. I suppose I'm not exactly fighting it. I'm definitely making the very best of the awesomeness coming my way.

I suppose a problem would occur were I fighting the change.

Get on the bus, Gus

For those of you that read my last post, I did indeed get the Samsung Rogue. I've yet to incur any major problems with the phone. The touch screen did give me a problem with voicemail, but that can quickly be absolved.

When I went to get the phone, I utilized the CU-MTD as I don't have a car of my own at the moment (53 days!!:) ). Its not how I would prefer to travel, but it gets me where I need to go with little problem.

Upon getting on the bus and sitting down, I was almost overwhelmed by something.

I think lots of mean thoughts on the bus. Anyone that knows me knows that I am very much not a characteristically mean person. I'm very polite and nice by nature.

For some reason, though, on the bus the thoughts in my head change. It could be simply due to agitation with the notion of the bus system in general and impatience.

Most of my thoughts are about the perceived laziness of my fellow bus riders. I will see someone get off at one street corner, and someone pull the cord to get off at the next street corner. A distance of approximately 20 feet or so. Walking from one end of WalMart to the other is a greater distance. Yet, for some reason, the rider couldn't get off on the earlier street with the other person to streamline.

This is in broad daylight, so safety is not as much of a concern. I don't understand it.

Also, inevitably the people sitting near you bring about some annoyance. I've recently dealt with body odor issues and a person speaking on a cell phone very loudly. It sounded as though he was yelling. I'm almost shocked the bus driver didn't say anything to him.

I'm always calling people names in my head, sometimes for no reason. I suppose it could be attributed to my overall agitation for the bus.

Do you have any bus stories?

I began this blog as a part of my Online Journalism class I took while apart of instruction at Eastern Illinois University. Sadly, I have not kept it up. It's time to change that.

This is my place to rant about anything and everything. Everyone needs a place to rant, right? Just to get it all of their chest? This is my place. My place to rant about the daily happenings in my life and in my head.

So, why don't we just get started?

I am having on-going problems with my phone. I made the mistake of getting an EnV 3, after all the problems I had with my EnV 2. Sounds smart, right? I made the decision simply because, at that time, it was the only phone through Verizon that did not require a data plan.

Of course, I am suffering dearly for it. Like many people of my ripe young age of 23 years old, I depend on my cell phone for nearly everything. I put my work schedule in it. I also use it to set alarms. As I do not wear a watch, I use it to keep time during the day. I also use it for text messaging, although some may say I text too often.

So the fact that my phone decides to shut itself off at nearly every chance is very frustrating, to say the least. I can be hard on phones, by I've grown out of the habit of throwing it. That's not to say it hasn't been dropped a couple times. I highly doubt many can say they haven't dropped their phone a time or two. The point I'm getting at is that no logical reason exists for the malfunction.

I can hope I will receive an early upgrade when I ask for one at my local store. Surely they can understand how frustrating it is.

I am desiring a Samsung Rogue. It was easy to use as a demo at the Verizon store, and online reviews are very encouraging.

Has anyone else had this much trouble with an EnV series phone? Any feedback on the Samsung Rogue?

xoxo