randomness in my head

Over the past 12 hours or so...I have started to feel differently. Something just feels slightly off, and I'm not sure what it is.

I know I've got a lot on my mind.

I'm trying to work with couple of changes that have happened. Sure, I've been with my boyfriend for a while. But I feel like I miss my friends. I can't say that I choose him over my friends. I've just....lost contact with some of my friends.

And I'm not sure how to get it back. I worry that its possible to think that maybe some things are just lost. I don't know what to say. I kind of miss people, but at the same time I think that so many things have changed all at once.

I know I read into things too much and over-analyze things. I'm just not sure how to stop it. I want to, though, since it tends to cause me more trouble than not.

I have gone through my closet on a couple occasions, to realize that some of my clothes I've outgrown whether by size or style. I am realizing I need to update and change it to reflect my style. Somehow I feel slightly lost in this...and not sure where to start. I want to reflect the person that I am, in combination with how I wish I could dress...if that makes any sense.

I suppose I've always loved clothes and fashion, but feel a little lost when it comes to making myself look "amazing." I admire what some people can pull off, and am not sure if I can do so myself. I also am trying to think about what my possible style choices project about me...and if that is true or false.

Am I reading to much into fashion, also? It's highly possible.

I have a new sense of loneliness, for lack of better word. Its almost as though I feel something is missing, but I can't put my finger on it. I suppose thats because lately I feel a little meaningless when it comes to something I've been involved with for a while. Now that I'm not working on that, I need something to take its place. I recognize and understand that I need 'me time,' and I think I make time for that. I also need to find something else that I can use to gain further self-balance.

On a good note, I did join a gym recently. I think that should help. I might seek out church in the morning...or some kind of worship service. Even if its just to feel like my whole being is awake. I consider myself some what of a religious person, but I constantly ask questions. I wouldn't feel as though I could be me with ANYTHING, let alone religion, if I couldn't ask questions.

I think that might be all for now. Time to do some cleaning.

xoxo

A view of someone happier

I've realized something funny lately.

I've become less of a cynic in one arena in my little world. I may still have a ways to go, but I've bridged one gap.

I went through a time period of 'woe is me' in respect to relationships. I started to think that all the men the I found were going to treat me badly. I was doomed to always be the one that cared more, when the other person couldn't care less.

This allowed me to also be slightly bitter at friends and the general public. It was almost as though since I didn't feel happy with the opposite sex, I didn't want any one else to either.

I feel as though letting go of that viewpoint, in addition to taking pressure off my self, enabled me to find the man of my dreams!

Sometimes it feels awkward being on the opposite side of the fence. I still know people that are fairly cynical about love or finding a mate. I still love these people, but have lost the feeling of sympathy. I don't want to be insensitive to their viewpoint, but I'm not sure how to respond to it.

Its funny how things can change when someone becomes a happier person.

By no means am I trying to say that a person cannot be happy without a mate. I firmly believe to each their own. Some people are more independent than others. Each person has their own life to live, whether it is spent with a mate or not. I just have lost a lot of the cynical feelings of love, and yet don't want to dismiss it when I meet it. I respect that opinion and understand that it largely comes from experience.

I've just gained something that has made me not cynical anymore.

Family

I've been lucky enough to have parents who have always cared for me. I realize that's not always the case for everyone. Far too many children (and some people who are currently adults) won't ever understand the importance of family.

My family is truly why I am here. If I didn't have my mom's love and affection, combined with my fathers love and support, I'm not sure where I would have ended up.

Honestly, that thought is quite scary to me.

I have been confronted recently with some awkward family issues, to say the least.

The first is with my boyfriend, Shane. With his family history, its not as though he hates his mother ( although I wouldn't necessarily blame him), but at the same time also he's not going out of his way to be in constant contact with her. He had very supportive and nurturing step parents that were able to guide his way.

I am being drawn into the situation for a couple of reasons: I am with him, and his mother has a facebook account.

Shane, unfortunately has shunned facebook for whatever reason. He's just not really into the notion of it.

I originally didnt have a problem with her being my friend. Every once in a while I'd get a message from her. Nothing too harmful, right?

Then I was getting a daily comment from her. Under "normal" circumstances, this wouldn't be the worst thing ever, but knowing her history with him, I don't care for her to appear to be all over me. That is why I had to delete her. I'm all for keeping in touch with family and loving family and all that. It just feels as though something is amiss with this situation. I am also of the opinion that its his decision how he handles it.

And then the fun that is my grandmother.

Ever since I can rememeber, we've had interesting situations with my maternal grandmother. We've been chalking it up to the fact that she is just a bitter woman, and doesn't understand somethings.

Recently, I was my mom's shoulder to lean on in regards to this. My grandmother has had some health issues recently, which my mom was there to help out for.

Listening to my mom vent about some of the behaviors and comments taht were made, I couldn't help but wonder some things.

I told my mom that had I been spoken to in that matter, I would have had to say something back. I also told her, although I wasn't trying to pick on her, I think the fact that so many people have said so little for so long have made my grandma think that its okay.

She's downright rude. Telling my cousin that her daughter hadn't started walking at a certain point because of the size of her ankles is disguisting.

I guess my question to the public is, how should this be handled? I'm all for free speech as much as (if not more than) the next guy, but I don't comprehend how someone can speak this way to family one moment, then the next be confused as to why that family member doesn't call as much.

Any ideas?

Music

Its not a huge secret to many that know me. Music is a very big deal to me. I often look toward it in comfort. I also tend to do a lot of musical association. I associate people and places, even major events with music in my life.

I am coming into a fun situation with my boyfriend. He has led a sheltered music life, or so I would call it. He's only familiar with certain types of music and artists.

I am familiar with more of a kit-and-caboodle collection. I spent more time watching vh1 (when it was still good) when I was younger than watching cartoons. I would definitely defeat anyone who would challenge me to a music knowledge battle.

I think music tells a lot about people. The kind of music one likes and regularly listens to can (and definitely is, in my case) a window to the soul.

I suppose I will end the chatter, and do the seemingly obvious next step. Posting some song lyrics that are near and dear to me right now.

I suppose I can just list some songs. Lyrics can be found easily.

"Halo" by Beyonce just sticks in my head. I feel like I've finally found my angel, and this is exactly what this song tells. I have met the person who is exactly what I need. He has the amount of patience and sweetness to deal with all of my relationship issues. All the while, just his presence has brought down barriers I had built up strong. At the end of the day, he's my angel and I'm his angel.

"Uprising" by the Muse tends to get stuck in my head. I like the catchy beat and guitar. Plus, I like the lyrical content. A two for one! I am very for the main battle cry of the song--standing up and taking what is rightfully yours. I like the message of standing up for yourself, and has been something I've spent time struggling with.

I am working to acquire a lot of new music, so I will leave it to those songs for now.

I am getting closer and closer to my license/car!!! :) :) :)

Another year stronger

I can now say that I am 24 years old, as of Sunday.

For the first time in a while, I feel older. I feel that I have fully began to come into my own. I use 'began' because I feel that I can still learn. Life is a journey, not a destination. I don't feel as though I've come close to learning a life's worth of lessons yet.

No longer do I seek out constant partying, as I did a few years ago. I am not even confident I can even come close to calling myself that at any point. However, I defintely sought that out more.

I've become more of a homebody.

I feel as though I let more things role off my back. That doesn't mean that I don't get bothered by some things. However, I am more apt to ask myself, "Can I change it?" before growing too upset. Some things, (like my current driving situation, although for just a little bit longer) I cannot change. Finding peace in the difference is what matters.

In that spirit, I also want to apologize to anyone that was kind enough to listen to my complaints about my driving situation. I recently saw how annnoying (for lack of better word) that can be, and I am grateful and heartfully sorry. I don't think I was able to just accept it.

I've learned things can always be worse. That as bad as I want to think I have it, I can't let myself feel badly. My struggles (not to deny the strength they've given me) can be called nothing in comparison to what others have had to deal with. It's much easier to just be content as I am, instead of the appearance of not being happy with what I've got.

I've learned to be comfortable in my own skin. For a very long time, I was incredibly self-conscious. I constantly worried about others thoughts. I wanted to make sure I measured up...to their standards. I've learned to create my own standards. And, if I do say so myself, they're not too shabby. I've got to put my best foot forward everyday, thank God for everything, and love every moment of life. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

I think moving to Champaign helped this a lot. I had a lot of pre-conceived notions about what people in Charleston thought about me (whether true or not). Upon moving, I just became a butterfly again. I don't know how to explain it, but I felt whole again. My insecurities seemed to disappear one by one. I can truly proclaim that I am completely and utterly happy with who I am at this moment. I suppose without the battle of various insecurity, I wouldn't know what that feels like.

I suppose I cannot say all these things without mentioning the love for one another. I've met everything I could ever ask for in a guy. And no, this time no strings attached or false notions. He's 100 percent the real deal. He's brought out the nurturing side in me that was laying dormat without him. He also took away my last insecurity--that I wasn't quite good enough somehow for guys. Or that they were only after one thing. I can't describe how grateful I am for him. He's become my best friend. I don't know what I would do without him.

To many more years to come, life is amazing. I believe I'm just getting started.

Farewell to my friend

I am an animal lover. Many people know that about me. I grew up around animals, and had a rabbit named Kiss that was my baby. I think I probably called her "Baby" more than her actual name.

She would sit on my lap while I watched t.v. I fed her every morning and let her romp around the apartment as often as I could.

I made sure she got plenty of attention when I could. I grew to recognize every face given to me. Even though she didn't bark, she still had a distinct, sweet personality that her face exuded.

I knew when she was scared by a noise or smell. I also knew when she did not want me to leave her just yet.

As odd as it sounds for a bunny, I cried while petting her. I vented to her about some of my biggest boy troubles of yesterday.

Recently, giving her attention has become more difficult. Due to certain circumstances, I have not been at the place which my name is on the lease very much.

Because of my work schedule and the bus schedule, I wasn't seeing her as often as I wanted to.

I know that she is a social creature. Even if she is not being given direct attention, knowing that someone is in the same room can be enough. Those moments were harder to come by.

I began to struggle with thoughts in my mind. I truly loved her and her company. With that love, I didn't feel right for the situation I was putting her in.

I was starting to stay with my boyfriend more and more. Essentially, I unofficially live with him at the moment.

Unfortunately, his place is not very pet friendly.

It was the combination of everything that led me to giving her up to a co-worker. I knew that someone would be able to take better care of her than I could at the moment. I didn't want my dear Kiss to suffer in possible and probable loneliness anymore.

I will miss her face and her gentle personality. I will also miss the bond I feel we had.

At the same time, I know she is with someone better suited to take care of her at this time.

Perhaps I can convince my boyfriend to get a different animal in the future.

A throwback to a time ago

I recently started in a new department working in Wal-Mart. I wanted a challenge, more responsibility and (I'm not kidding anyone) more money.

So about two weeks ago from now, I started in the pharmacy.

The newness of everything had me enraptured. It was exciting to be learning something new and feeling like I was getting a grip on it. I also felt like I was liked by my co-workers. Being liked isn't everything, but it makes the day go smoother.

Recently, this week I had a bad day at work. Who doesn't, right?

What struck me about this day was how hard it hit me. I had been truly upset by it; it got at my core.

I had a number of run-ins with the department know-it-all. She's very smart, but not known as the kindest person in the store by any means.

Suddenly I was brought back to my high school mindset, and thats what shook me so much. I was worried I wasn't good enough for the area. I had made minor mistakes in the area that didn't harm anyone or put anyone in danger.

It was just a moment where I started to severely doubt myself. I thought that maybe I wasn't up to par with the rest of the pharmacy....even though I was still learning and had done nothing wrong.

That's how I felt while in high school. Because I didn't belong in the 'correct' crew, something was wrong with me. I wasn't quite good enough.

After some tears were shed (I'm kind of emotional person) and some comfort and kind words from a special someone, I felt much better. I realized something that I thought I had realized long ago. That I can't let others get to me and tear me down. I had grown very good at not worrying about others thoughts and marching to the beat of my own drum.

I think thats why I got so upset at the events that day. I was shocked that someone could still have that power over me. Especially someone that I don't consider a friend.

Confidence is an amazing thing! Don't let anyone tear you down! I'll remember this in the coming days!

Clique-ness

As I was stumbling through the pages of facebook, I realized something.

I'm not as close to some of the people as I used to be. I doubt I'm alone in this realization. Not all of us are extremely close to all of our 'friends.'

However, the closeness struck me for a different reason. I realized that some of the people that I used to be close to were/are apart of a couple different cliques.

I don't really consider myself a clique person. I like to be everyone's friend (so to speak) and I also don't enjoy being mean to others. It seems a few of the cliques were/are about being mean or hating someone or a group of people. That's not really me at all!

Its funny to think that some of those people I used to consider myself at least a little close too. I was always around them when I had free time. Of course, that included nights drinking together. I suppose I wasn't as close as I thought.

In a way I miss the people I used to consider so near and so dear. I have fond memories of friendships beginning. I also wonder if my shyness pushed people away. But...I also think of something I've been told. "Not everyone in your life is meant to be around for the long haul." I sometimes wonder how things went wrong.

I probably sound like the chick in a romantic comedy right now,wondering why the guy hasn't called her yet.

I suppose I shouldn't worry about some of the people I've lost touch with. If they mattered that much they would've lasted. Obviously, I will survive with or without them. No ill will or bad feelings exist.


I stopped trying to fit in a long time ago. I decided I was going to just be me. I listen to whatever music I want. I wear what I want to wear. I don't know if this was a part of my 'not fitting in.'

Also, at the time-frame being spoken of, I was still a little shy. I would say over the past year or so I've really come into my own. I feel as though I am getting closer and closer to who I am and making that person happy. Of course, along the way I've learned some tough life lessons.

But....back to the cliques.

I presumed they were a high school phenomenon. I'm not too sure of that assertion at the moment.

I am sure of two things. First, I marvel at how they stay alive. Second, I don't foresee myself 'joining' one. I suppose if I am to be considered a part of a clique it could be out of happenstance.

Do you have any clique stories?

Mystery of Make-up

When I was getting ready this morning, I began to ponder something about the process.

When I began to apply the make-up I wear on a daily basis, I wondered why and how.

I began wearing make-up in late junior high and have worn it since. I don't tend to go many places without it. I felt I needed to wear it due to peer pressure. Also, I felt that I didn't look attractive without it.

To a degree, I still worry about my appearance without make-up. I worry that my skin isn't good enough without it. But, at the same time, I don't know a certified way to increase the quality and clarity of my skin that I haven't tried.

I know several people that pointedly don't wear make-up. Their skin looks perfectly amazing without it. It does not have any clarity issues, nor are there issues such as dark circles.

I remember a similar conversation about make-up with a former friend of mine. We were sitting in her basement in Sullivan hanging out and getting ready. When posed the question, "why do we wear make-up?", she replied that she did it out of boredom. She liked to try different things on her face and it gave her something to do.

I suppose it goes in combination with celebrity news. Magazines are limitless in trying to showcase what they look like without make up. Perhaps the issue of needing make up is part peer pressure and part media related.

Or, to be entirely cynical, it is just a way for a variety of companies to make an easy buck. Its simple: tell women that they are not beautiful unless they use this product that actually, to a degree, covers things up. Creates a mask, if you will.

I suppose the idea goes way back in time...further back in history than I'm aware. Reportedly, it goes back as far as the Egyptians using lead and coal to alter their appearance.

I wonder what is at the main cause for why many women wear it. It can't be all media related...if it goes back as far as the Egyptians.

I shall continue my search for the reason, I suppose. Do you have any thoughts?

The times, they are a changin'

With a fews things going on in my life, I could be in the position to go through a lot of change in the next few months.

Admittedly, its both exciting and scary.

In 52 days, I will get my driver's license and car back. This is VERY exciting to me. It has been over two years since I've driven. I know, crazy, right? Why is that, you ask? I made some very stupid mistakes and decisions that I've now grown past. Nonetheless, it has made me that much stronger.

But, back to the notion of change.

As excited as I am for the change, I am a tiny bit scared for the other aspects that come along with it. For one, I have a test to pass to get it back. I'm a fairly decent test taker, but am sure that it covers some things that I haven't been paying too much attention to as of late. I am also nervous about the expense. I know that my driving history is going to make insurance rather expensive. It is also going to add in the expense of gas. I'm sure I'll adjust to the change of expense quickly, though.

I recently started a new job. I am now a pharmacy technician at the Urbana Walmart. I was once a photo technician. I spent a little over four years in that job. As much as I rant and raved about the position, it had become an odd sense of home to me.

I have only worked one day in the new job thus far. So far, I've got nothing to complain about. Still, this change brings about other change. I had not planned to be at Walmart much after college. I had expected to move on from the company. I took the job for a variety of reasons. I thought that management would be better and so would the wages. I also figured that I would feel more valued. Now I wonder what this could mean for the long term.

Another possibility of change looms. I could officially move in with my boyfriend in the summer. It's odd that the notion scares me a little bit, seeing as we have been practically doing just that for a little bit now. I guess just making it official is weird. If, for some unknowable reason, something went sour, I currently have a place to run to. I will lose that soon. Perhaps that's why I'm scared. I don't have any reason to think that anything will go badly. A part of me just still exists and is healing from poor past relationships. A small part of me, for some reason, wants to protect myself.

I realize that I have no need to do that right now. He has given me no reason at all. Over the past couple of months my trust in him has grown by leaps and bounds.

So, what is the point of this whole blog?

For some reason, it seems a lot of people are afraid of change. At least to some degree. I'm not sure exactly why that is. After realizing how much change I was going to encounter (all of it being positive), I was taken back by the small amount of fear that entered me.

Is there something about change that drives such a reaction? Are some people better at reacting to it than others?

If I were to take Darwinism into account, change should be of little issue. Humans, as some of the fittest to survive, should be very adaptable to change. Perhaps we are. I suppose I'm not exactly fighting it. I'm definitely making the very best of the awesomeness coming my way.

I suppose a problem would occur were I fighting the change.

Get on the bus, Gus

For those of you that read my last post, I did indeed get the Samsung Rogue. I've yet to incur any major problems with the phone. The touch screen did give me a problem with voicemail, but that can quickly be absolved.

When I went to get the phone, I utilized the CU-MTD as I don't have a car of my own at the moment (53 days!!:) ). Its not how I would prefer to travel, but it gets me where I need to go with little problem.

Upon getting on the bus and sitting down, I was almost overwhelmed by something.

I think lots of mean thoughts on the bus. Anyone that knows me knows that I am very much not a characteristically mean person. I'm very polite and nice by nature.

For some reason, though, on the bus the thoughts in my head change. It could be simply due to agitation with the notion of the bus system in general and impatience.

Most of my thoughts are about the perceived laziness of my fellow bus riders. I will see someone get off at one street corner, and someone pull the cord to get off at the next street corner. A distance of approximately 20 feet or so. Walking from one end of WalMart to the other is a greater distance. Yet, for some reason, the rider couldn't get off on the earlier street with the other person to streamline.

This is in broad daylight, so safety is not as much of a concern. I don't understand it.

Also, inevitably the people sitting near you bring about some annoyance. I've recently dealt with body odor issues and a person speaking on a cell phone very loudly. It sounded as though he was yelling. I'm almost shocked the bus driver didn't say anything to him.

I'm always calling people names in my head, sometimes for no reason. I suppose it could be attributed to my overall agitation for the bus.

Do you have any bus stories?

I began this blog as a part of my Online Journalism class I took while apart of instruction at Eastern Illinois University. Sadly, I have not kept it up. It's time to change that.

This is my place to rant about anything and everything. Everyone needs a place to rant, right? Just to get it all of their chest? This is my place. My place to rant about the daily happenings in my life and in my head.

So, why don't we just get started?

I am having on-going problems with my phone. I made the mistake of getting an EnV 3, after all the problems I had with my EnV 2. Sounds smart, right? I made the decision simply because, at that time, it was the only phone through Verizon that did not require a data plan.

Of course, I am suffering dearly for it. Like many people of my ripe young age of 23 years old, I depend on my cell phone for nearly everything. I put my work schedule in it. I also use it to set alarms. As I do not wear a watch, I use it to keep time during the day. I also use it for text messaging, although some may say I text too often.

So the fact that my phone decides to shut itself off at nearly every chance is very frustrating, to say the least. I can be hard on phones, by I've grown out of the habit of throwing it. That's not to say it hasn't been dropped a couple times. I highly doubt many can say they haven't dropped their phone a time or two. The point I'm getting at is that no logical reason exists for the malfunction.

I can hope I will receive an early upgrade when I ask for one at my local store. Surely they can understand how frustrating it is.

I am desiring a Samsung Rogue. It was easy to use as a demo at the Verizon store, and online reviews are very encouraging.

Has anyone else had this much trouble with an EnV series phone? Any feedback on the Samsung Rogue?

xoxo